She's gone... yeah, my theme of the year. Oh well, CONACYT sucks, but I'm going away: I don't care what it takes, I just want to be somewhere else for a long time so when I come back everything will be as if I were gone. And then, pass my grieving from me not belonging to her, to me not belonging here, my home, and then deal with it by teaching from experience how not to fuck up.
Sorry, I dreamt of her today and am kinda sensitive. The dream was odd: some friends were hanging and planned to go somewhere when she said, "oh, i can't go without my man" referring to her current (and, apparently, eternal) boyfriend. And I hated it, partly because of the fact that it reminded me that I'm not with her, but mostly because I'm still hoping that someday I WILL be with her.
I hate this, I just fucking hate this... I mean, it's so great that she's with someone that makes her happy and that she makes him happy (I mean it, I'm very grateful that she found someone). But, here I am, wanting to do something about it, to ruin that relationship, but knowing that it's wrong to even feel that way. yeah, i guess that's it: i hate me. Probably the reason why I haven't been in a relationship since then: I can't love someone, if I don't love myself... and it's weird, I can't find it in my heart to forgive myself... I don't think she can either. I mean, she'd probably say that she can, but I know her: she can't, she wants to, but she can't. As the same way I want to get over her, to forget any future with her, badly, but I just can't, it's not in me to do that.
Probably I'm just punishing myself for all the things I've done to her, to us, and to them... yeah, that sounds logical... hehe, guess it's time to walk barefoot again =).
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