Left alone...

Much has changed, but apparently I'm willing to let go of so few things...

They're together, I don't know if they're together right now, but they're together... I saw, I know them so well (or, knew them) that they're with each other as they have always been, I was just making myself believe that they weren't.

I don't know what's hurting more: the fact that I have feelings for her (which I have no idea where are they coming from, I know that she's gone, I know I shouldn't be with her, but... here I am), the fact that I STILL have feelings for her after all of this, the fact that it's very probable that I won't fit in with them from now on making it to be the most alone that I've been since before high school... they're the closest thing that I've got (for now, apparently) to real and sincere friendship.

Deep down, I'm really happy for them, I know... but the beginning of the end had appeared since such a long time ago, and I played dumb, to avoid the pain. Right now it's all sinking in, and it hurts, so bad. I miss us, not Julia and me, but Julia, Hugo and me; we went out, and we weren't there, I've tried, I've forced it a few times, but it wasn't there... just, they were there, and me aside. It never hurted so much to be the third wheel: it even hurted more than that time that I was the 12th wheel (yeah, four couples, and one threesome; beat that!). Little by little I saw my two best friends happy with each other (which, yes, made me happy), and my presence forcing them to include me... maybe I'm making too much of one outing, but right now I'm up to the point that I don't want to hope anymore, it hurts to hope... and hope what? That Hugo will always be there? He will, I know he will... for Julia to think of me as more than a friend? She won't, I know she won't...
But there's this sense of support that always came from them that has begun to fade away; it's weird, it's probably the other way around, I know Julia cares a rat's ass, but Hugo did took a little more interest in my opinion, and for some reason he took my "blessing" very welcoming.

I'm crap right now, I'm nothing right now, which I should be fine with, but I always thought feeling like nothing also came with feeling nothing... guess not... and that's what I want, to feel nothing, to look at them and feel nothing, just as they probably will feel towards me, cuz they sure have showed that that will be our situation in the near future...