Ok, now that I've gotten hold of myself (mostly), maybe I'll write about it a little bit.
First off, I have to admit that I wasn't such a devoted NIN fan. I knew about them, mostly because of Elsa, a friend of mine, and her boyfriend, who spoke highly of them (and still do). I had heard some of their songs and most of them blew me away: I considered them an spectacular band who did impressive and unusual songs, but at the same time they were a band whom I would never acquaint myself with because they seemed so foreign to me. This was about a year and a half ago...
A little before I moved to Manchester, Elsa recommended some of their songs for me to hear in my affairs. She and I believe that music can heal, and I think that that was her motive (I was going through a weird thing emotionally back then, still am I guess). Anyway, so I downloaded some of those songs from the iTunes Store, which lead to me listening to them sporadically with the wonderful and all-knowing random playback in iTunes. Then I began noticing the inspiring harmonies and the way that Trent manages noise in his songs, so I continued to listen to them but now more and more often; the songs, the lyrics, everything began sticking to me. "Right where it belongs" became one of my favourite songs of all time, with "And all that could have been" coming close to being in that list as well. And if you consider that my beloved Metallica and A Perfect Circle, whom I am a huge fan of, have been in this list since I've considered myself a musician, this addition is saying a lot for me and for them.
Then, the knowledge that this concert was going to come about reached me. During this time, I met Carlos Garcia, whom with I now form a predecessor of what could be considered as a band. He tooted about going, and got me interested: 'Fine. I'll give them a shot live.'
I couldn't get a ticket to the first show, so I got one for the second. It actually worked out, because, first of all, I have a video conference with my mum every sunday. And second of all, I think I would've felt less intimate with Trent if someone I knew, but didn't know that well, would've been there at my side.
I enjoyed myself more than I have ever in a concert. In all fairness, I haven't been to a lot of concerts, mostly because either the tickets are too expensive, the concert is too far away, or I know the band is going to suck live. There are a lot of bands out there that are like that: good stuff on studio, but can't quite get it when it comes to porting that stuff onto a stage. Frankly, I thought NIN was going to be like that... oh my God, was I wrong!
I think that if you would've video-recorded me throughout the show, you would've seen my transformation from a passer-byer to a complete convert. First I was seating, and I planned to stay seated. The seats were kind of crappy, which, I thought, work out so I could better appreciate the music without the screaming horde blowing my tympanums out. Then some people started to stand which started a chain reaction that led me to stand (one person in the front forces the one in the back to stand, and so on), but at that moment I was already getting into the mood a little bit so I didn't mind.
Then they played Closer, a familiar song for me. It blew my mind how right on was Trent on his singing, and how well the electronic parts of the songs were fitting into the whole of the song: not invasive, but essential. The sound was engineered beautifully, and the intent of the song was coming in through without space for misunderstanding. During the next songs, I realized that Josh Freese was on drums; I didn't know my beloved drummer from APC (regarded as the "busiest drummer in the business" by Billy Howerdel) was in there, pulling out his elbows to the air before hitting his snare drum like he always does. And then I looked to my left and there is Jeordie White, the base player of, again, APC. Then, I remembered that Trent was a kind of external entity from APC as well, with The Tapeworm Project and all. There they were: Jeordie, Josh, Trent... the musicians that, in a way, I listened while growing musically were right there.
Throughout their next songs I realized that they fit... of course they fit, and I fit as well. A decision was upon me: is this my music? I looked around: I needed the guitar, if I fit there needs to be a guitar that fits too, and Aaron was on my right blowing the crap out of the poor guitar's neck. It made me wonder: I was hearing it fit, so was he fitting? It wasn't coming in clearly. Then I realized that the guitar I was looking for is not him, is Trent. Then it hits me: NIN is not this band, it's Trent. Whatever the other guys are doing, Trent was the one that envisioned it; of course, they're amazing in their own right and put their beautiful style into it, but the basis of all of what I'm hearing is Trent...
I'm hearing Trent, and it fits.
And like if I'd given him a cue, he began to play "Hurt". The stuff that I have been struggling with came to me in a wave, and I found myself crying. At that moment, I wasn't looking at him, I was looking at the ceiling, at my cell phone texting myself of that moment, at myself. I was hearing myself talk to myself and to her and to him through Trent's lyrics.
I was hearing myself speaking Trent's words, and everything, just for that moment, fitted... In that moment, I fell in love with 'Trent', that entity that wrote those words, and gave them to me to speak what I needed to say:
Thus, I'm in love with myself, further confirming the presence of my narcissistic side that has proven lethal to me and my endeavors, but for once I find a way to not only acknowledge it as I haven't done in such a long time, but to also love it, to accept it.
"I am who I am. I, you and everybody else has to deal with it by either confronting me about it, ignoring it, or grow to love it."Ancient words of a young, naive soul. Old words can also be empty and this is pretty much the case... Loving oneself doesn't stop on declaring it, but on admitting to it and doing something about it, which in itself involves a change in the self that one loves... it's completely contradictory! A change like that takes time, and by the time you're done (which I doubt you will), you're dead. You might as well give your sand castle away to the ones you love, to the ones you haven't tried to change, and let them see whatever they want to see in it:
"If you truly love something, let it go. If it comes back, it'll be yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be."Fine. Let's do that. I'll let myself free and see if I come back to me. I'll be me, with my fear of rejection, with my doubt of being me, with my completely incongruent narcissistic side, being the depressing one, the hungry-for-attention one, the one who writes a blog to act out on his literary side to impress someone, anyone, ... y'know, the real me.
This is me. With all my stupidities and illogicalities (like that one), this is me.
I'm giving myself to you, whoever you are reading this, because I love you, because you are me. And I can't love me so I'm giving myself to you to become you, and, because I love you, I'll love myself then.
...and Trent's words were the vehicle of this realization.
Then they went to "The Hand that Feeds" waking me from my awareness, and I continued to thoroughly enjoy myself for the rest of the show.
I am now a NIN fan and, although you may not know it yet, you're going to be one as well.
