a picture of her aunt, i think, is still inside there... the compilations of all the things i wrote to, for, and of her...

god, that hurts so much... not the fact that she's moving on, just that... she gave them back... i know i did wrong, but those writings were pure honesty, are what probably is the thing that i'm most proud of that relationship; i thought she would've wanted to keep at least that, apparently not...

she did have the opportunity to give them back in person last winter... what changed? why not in person? maybe she thought that i would've busrt out horrificly, and she has a lot of evidence to support that supposition...

it hurts, it hurst so damn much... just turning the knife... yeah, i finally used that damn analogy that she always used when i or someone else hurted her (mostly me)...

I'm a goddamn wreck, the only thing that i do right (most of the time) is coding and math... goddamn it, my grandfather wanted greatgrandchildren.... i let him down now, i let everybody down, and now crying here there's so much thought of my actual worth here: so much destruction i've done, so many unmendable mistakes, i think's better to cut my losses and just leave before i do any more hurt

my head hurts, my head hurts... my eyes sting, can't think straight, couldn't for over a month now... i'm gona die soon, i wish i'd die soon... i'm sleepy, i'm sleepy...

just want to sleep and not be here, not be me... i just don't wana be me right now, not ever.


no food, no head-health, and non-reminiscent talk with ex makes balkce go suicidal


sweet migrane fills my head...

nice line, nice Green Day, kinda sucky day... i slept ok this weekend (well, except friday)... weird

apparently the wife of a friend of mine is an untrained medium... interesting, i have so many questions

df exhausted

i'm completely tired...

there's this course that we suppose to go to another city for which i had to get up at 5:30 am (i normally get up at 11, i know, i know... but i get out of work around 10, so stop looking at me like that)...

and now that we're here, IT WAS CANCELLED... great...


charly's back

there's really few people that i know that i admire musically: my musical director (Mario), that jackass (arturo, y'know i love you, jeje), and charly...

charly's like... wow... he sings with such emotion, and, although he doesn't have a great range, he controls what he has very well... plus he makes music that i just love arranging (meaning, putting other instruments into), and apparently he likes what i do, so it's a great honor and a good source of pride =)

he just called to meet... tomorrow... can't help but be anxious about it, hehe


it's been around six to seven years (i lost count, really), five of which we weren't even on the same city (or state for that matter)... we still aren't...

but he's there... he's still here (and no that wasn't a typo)... i'm so lucky to have him in my life... i hope he knows that... i hope i've told him...

wow... those are a lot of ... (as he would say, hehe)

new song (cover)

I've uploaded a new song onto my space... it's a pink floyd cover, je, guess which one...

I liked the way it came out: totally unexpected of what i've thought it would... like always i guess

interesting, that's something that i lot of musicians would say it's not the way to do it: a true musician has to know where (s)he wants the song to go, it's mood, and accomplish that... this accidental stuff is, well, accidental, not a true way of composing, and i totally agree: i'm not a composer, i'm just a guy banging on his guitar and lucky enough to have a Mac to record that

but, going back to the meaning of art (at least for me) as a medium of expressing internal feelings, some of which may not be obvious, it's important to note that it may not be as accidental as it may appear to be. Well, yeah, is not planned, if that's what you mean by "accidental", but that term also implies that if that person, for some reason, came back to that exact moment in time and, wanting to create a piece of music, creates something completely different. in that meaning, i don't agree it's purely accidental: the way it may come out indicates a lot of how the person's feeling, or wanting to feel, and if that person comes back to that exact moment in time (with the feelings (s)he experienced during it) i bet that that person will create something very similar.

so, yeah, i may not be a composer (who in the music business actually think (s)he as one?)... i know one, but that doesn't count, i know... but, at least, i let feelings out to become whatever they want to become... i'm a crybaby basically, jaja, cool

i don't get me...

i want to be social, but i keep a 10 hour day job, and my few hours of free time, i record...

i want to have someone in my life, but i'm afraid to hurt her

at least i want to do a postgraduate and doing something about it... well, not enough i guess

tired tired tired

it's been almost two weeks that i haven't slept well... it's partly my fault also (not just work): there some good movies late at night, ironically can't think of anyone, just (and this is so humiliating) ... ah!! i forgot it's name: it's of this six (or five) cheerleaders, and one of'em get's pregnant, so, somewhere in the plot they plan to rob a bank to help pay the bills... it's quite stupid movie, but there was this scene that really caught my eye:

one of the cheerleaders (the one with a bad ass family, her mom's in jail because she killed her dad) goes to visit her mom in jail to ask for pointers to rob the bank... this was the first time they ever saw each other (i think), so the girl tells the mom

"you must think that i'm some sort of nut, but, well, a friend of mine is pregnant"

"wow! before you? give me five!"

"yeah, hehe, thanks!" (not all sarcastically, actually she gave "five" back and all), "so we are planning to rob a bank to help her out....... i know, i know, i'm sorry that i'm wasting your time"

"no, no! i'm flattered: it's like you asking me to help out with your homework. here, let me introduce you to a friend of mine..."

and well, you can probably guess where that's heading... anyway, i don't know, the apple doesn't fall down far from the tree: and it's great. they're connected in some way, whatever way, i just loved that idea.

anyway, i get to go home early today: ninish, jeje... it's friday, so i guess i'll hit a party or something, lot of stress to whip out jeje

Am i this ok?

No, I'm not. Any picture of her, of him, or any resemblance with the world that I lived just reminds me of it...

thank god for The Postal Service, great music... ironically it cheers me up, and I know the lyrics are quite downers

maybe i'll buy their cd sometime this month

so... yeah... probably i'm getting there... ask me tomorrow...

work work work... and me

wow... i mean: WOW!!! is it really this hectic in day-to-day life? I don't remember it being this way...

anyway: apparently I'm a horrible person, and I admit to being so. it's weird: at first I tried to stay away from her because "she's not interested", but now it's because "you hurt her... your person is designed to hurt her". i have no clue how she stuck with me so long... how can anybody be or want to be with me after what i did? and not even realizing it? AGAIN???

My music online...

Well, gota say... didn't expect this to happen, but feeling somewhat fine...

New URL, and exciting times, hehe.. (click on title).


I just hate this... bring on the pills.

My hand hurts...

I dreamt of her again... but now was different. It was kinda like I knew it was a dream (ever happened to you? to me in very few, but very enjoyable times). We actually had a conversation of that subject during the dream... I think, I don't remember it very well.

Something's up... she's near... I think...

Her boyfriend's back in town, probably I'm right... I don't know. How ironic! I actually know the location of her boyfriend but not of her, weird.

But, something IS up, I'm not sure what... I feel different. Sort of excited, but scared with no particular reason to be any of both.

I miss her...

Miedo doloroso

Es probable que el miedo y el dolor hayan sido creados para hacernos sentir que existimos. Lo interesante de todo es que no son redundantes, de hecho hasta son necesarios entre si: uno es causa del otro.

Insisto, todo este sistemas en el que existimos y vivimos, esta impresionantemente bien diseñado... algun dia me gustaria programar asi.

(por cierto, gracias Bibi, te debo)


No puedo creerlo... realmente funciona: poco a poco, pero ahi va.

"Te enteraras de ellos cuando te inviten a su boda..." si, me debio de haber dolido mas de lo que fue, pero... no... si dolio...

Crap! Back to the drawing board.


Es en serio, digo... veanlo: El monto de información que en este momento tenemos en las manos. Porcentaje de la cual a lo mejor hasta es ilegal.

Podrá ser un poco elitista, pero en serio, no querría vivir en alguna otra época antes que ésta: no me imagino vivir sin esta tecnología. Y no solamente por el hecho de que es mi trabajo llevar acabo proyectos sobre esta tecnología, pero porque es ya tan grande parte de mi vida (la forma que me comunico con mis padres, este diario, mi forma de expresarme ante el mundo).

Supongo que eso es una buena razón para estar vivo, jeje, que bien.

A Satisfied Customer

I just love the words "Wow! That works great!"... the satisfaction of others is just so appealing to me. Don't get me wrong: i'm no altruist, in fact i like it because i get to brag about it.

mmm... how do you call that? self-altruism? jeje... dirty =)

Sunday night...

Well, it was a good free day. Sundays are always peaceful and somewhat reassuring (as they suppose to be).

A lot was done... mostly just updating personal stuff I didn't get to do during the week. Je, probably I won't update this till next weekend... hope not, I'm beginning to like it =).

Oh! BTW: I'm uploading more photographs in during the week (I can upload just one per day... it's ok, they're meant to be desktop backgrounds, not a personal site for pictures). Apparently my first one was kinda liked, hehe.

Ha, I'm also seeing a pattern: bitchy in the morning mostly because of not having breakfast (or because I dreamt of her), work/surfing/hanging during the day, and calm during the night. I'm gona die soon...

First Mountain

Photography hasn't been, in anyway, a hobby of mine, but I took this picture (click on the title) and uploaded it into my favorite desktop background search site: (which I highly recommend, not only because it's free, but really friendly community and an opportunity to give back to it by the best way: your opinion, and a donation if you like, hehe).

Probably I'll start now with that, sounds interesting and, hell, maybe I can learn a few things of myself in the mean time. =)

Sunday morning (almost afternoon)

She's gone... yeah, my theme of the year. Oh well, CONACYT sucks, but I'm going away: I don't care what it takes, I just want to be somewhere else for a long time so when I come back everything will be as if I were gone. And then, pass my grieving from me not belonging to her, to me not belonging here, my home, and then deal with it by teaching from experience how not to fuck up.


Sorry, I dreamt of her today and am kinda sensitive. The dream was odd: some friends were hanging and planned to go somewhere when she said, "oh, i can't go without my man" referring to her current (and, apparently, eternal) boyfriend. And I hated it, partly because of the fact that it reminded me that I'm not with her, but mostly because I'm still hoping that someday I WILL be with her.

I hate this, I just fucking hate this... I mean, it's so great that she's with someone that makes her happy and that she makes him happy (I mean it, I'm very grateful that she found someone). But, here I am, wanting to do something about it, to ruin that relationship, but knowing that it's wrong to even feel that way. yeah, i guess that's it: i hate me. Probably the reason why I haven't been in a relationship since then: I can't love someone, if I don't love myself... and it's weird, I can't find it in my heart to forgive myself... I don't think she can either. I mean, she'd probably say that she can, but I know her: she can't, she wants to, but she can't. As the same way I want to get over her, to forget any future with her, badly, but I just can't, it's not in me to do that.

Probably I'm just punishing myself for all the things I've done to her, to us, and to them... yeah, that sounds logical... hehe, guess it's time to walk barefoot again =).

If life were an apple.

It's been a little less than a year than I have this machine now: PowerBook G4 17". It was a graduation present from my parents, and I do love my parents, hehe.

Mmm... well, to make a long story short (not!) this the letter I wrote to the Apple Switch guys:

I recently graduated as an Electronic Systems Engineer. My parents, lovely as they are, bought me a 17" G4 PowerBook as a graduation present as they knew that I wanted one for some time. Beautiful machine, but such beauty can be intimidating and, I say this from experience from my past PC laptops, deceiving.

At first, I was little suspicious with my PowerBook, trying to see past the pretty interface to what's on the bottom. I knew there's a UNIX system there... I've heard of the Darwin Project before the MacOS X came along, being a Linux lover myself. First, I thought "If there's a UNIX system under all this, I could bring up an X11 environment and should be able to compile any linux program with a graphic interface and run it without problems". So I bring up the X11 environment that Apple already gives you out of the box, downloaded xlincity (nice simcity-like linux game) and it's appropriate libraries with fink (which I think everyone should have) and voila! Up and running with no glitch whatsoever... my saved games were even saved on my user folder.

I try (and the word "try" is very appropriate here) to challenge the Mac every day. I've spent hours trying to make it crash, or at least see it slowed a bit. Once I even came up with the idea to convert a huge home movie on ffmpegx from DV to AVI, watch a DVD on the DVD
player and do a project using Microsoft Visual Basic running on Virtual PC at the same time to see it suffer. To my satisfied despair, everything was up and running beautifully. I do in fact dare any PC user out there to do that on a Windows box and I'll tell you what you'll need: "Movie Converter" for windows, Visual Basic, and any DVD player. Now, if you want Windows to do this without crashing, you need at least 1 Gb of RAM, a 256 Mb Video Card, two processors and a whole lot of praying; you'd surely notice that I'm describing a server... a server! My PowerBook is actually more powerful than the server used at my work for Internet access and user file storage that grants service to more than 100 users.

Finally, it daunt on to me: because of my academic background, I depend very much on the architecture of the company that has hired me to implement an electronic systems project, being that Windows, UNIX and its variants or Macintosh. Now, I can do any project of any of these architectures right on one machine.

This has never happened to me before: I have a powerful, very powerful, machine that actually looks good. Before, when I had a laptop that I knew was stable, nobody would comment on it because its exterior wasn't that appealing. And when I had a pretty laptop, and people would tell me that it was nice, I would reply that it wasn't nice that it was crashing at least once a day. Now, when people say that my laptop is beautiful, I just answer "I know".

Yeah... I do love my PowerBook. =)

Actually the reason why I starteg blogging again is because this new widget called dashBlog that's just beautiful: new thought comes into my head and up it goes to my blog. So expect more from me, jeje.

Iha vs. Corgan... guess when was this?

I heard Iha's solo project... interesting, very mellow. Ironically, now that I think of it, it ressembles a bit what Zwan was about, although not as crafty.

Anyways, I'm curious of what actually happenned that made Mr. Corgan "clear it up for us". I mean, I get why he didn't say anything before, but I don't get why now spill it out.

First, I think we need to hear Mr. Iha's side on the subject:


"All I can say is I'm very proud of my work with that band ... It was a good band, and we accomplished a lot. And that's not what happened. I definitely did not break up the band."

I hate it when this happens: one person's word against another... that wasn't much of help.
well, in any way, whatever happenned with SP, was it Mr. Iha's fault or not, was hidden by Mr. Corgan in an act of nobelty towards his bandmates. But the reason to unhide it is still unclear to me, I mean, really, I don't find it important to know this: I'm still gona buy the new APC record and the solo project that Mr. Corgan is preparing; I don't think Mr. Howerdel is going to kick Mr. Iha out of APC because of this; my life is going on, as is both Mr. Corgan's and Mr. Iha's, independently of this knowledge: why bring it up now?

For what it's worth, here are a couple of reasons why I think Mr. Corgan's may have decided to make this statement:


Right now Mr. Corgan is not doing so well (and I don't mean financially, just he's not in or near the spotlight) and Mr. Iha is (kinda), thanks to APC. What i'm trying to say is... well, maybe the reason is jealousy (maybe even unconciously). I mean come on! In the middle of a big tour, many dates in which many are sold out, etc. Mr. Iha's being seen/recognized, and Mr. Corgan's, even though working, not that much in the public eye... right then he decides to break the news.

I am a big fan of SP, and even of Zwan, but Billy is an egocentric hardhead that makes a band like he wants it: we SP fans know this, this is why most of us know about, heard, bought, etc. Zwan material; an SP fan is a Corgan fan. And right now, I think Billy is not liking not being seen.

And if it this is actually true, it's quite foolish because, as Mr. Iha said it himself from the same source:

"(In APC) I get to do some fiddling around, but Billy (Howerdel, APC's lead guitarrist) does a lot more than I do."

Wouldn't this sound apropiate comming out from Mr. Iha's mouth while being on SP?


Another reason might be that in some way Mr. Corgan's been bothered by the fact that he has been portrayed as a quitter in the fight against pop, and maybe just had it. Problems with the band were leading to break up, and Mr. Corgan wanted to salvage the image of his bandmates so he came up with "we're throwing the towel against britney".

If this is true, why say such a thing? some bull about "the industry is sucking us dry", "is time for us to grow as musicians in other means outside the band" or even "we started this band at an early age, we've changed, and there are some changes between us that cannot be settled" would suffice. Now to think of it, I would've liked to have heard that last one... Yes, there can be problems between bandmates, we're people, we argue, and sometimes we have enough of someone to the point that we don't want to work with that person... and even though I was a teenager when I got the news, I still would've understand.

If Mr. Corgan wants to wash his hands off the situation to make whoever he wants to convince beleive that he didn't "call out a foul, picked up his ball, and went back home", well, with just the fact that he continued on with not only Zwan but helping other bands in the process (he was a producer, and a stand-in guitarrist for other bands), he had me convinced. Because of this I beleive that it's too late now to say anything. Nothing is going to change: the persons he wanted to convince, were convinced already.


I also want to point out that I think that to say that a band member has the fault of breaking up a band is ridiculous: there were four members in that band. Being in one myself I do beleive that the health of the band is responsability of everybody in it: you have a problem? The band has a problem. Can't work it out with the band? There's the door. But we're friends, and founded this band: fine, split up the earnings, go separated ways and start new bands. Sound familiar? Of course it does! This is very common... but I don't hear Jimmy (drummer) throwing shit at James or at Billy, neither does D'arcy. Nor do I hear former Metallica base player Jason Newsted writing a letter to CNN claiming that the reason he left was the abscense of the feeling of actually being a Metallica member: yes, he was alienated from the rest of the band, you can see it in pretty much any interview with the whole band, during concerts, etc. but he left the band and stayed there graciously. How? He washed his dirty laundry indoors, period.

Ahora que esta lejos...

Me siento tan mal cuando te veo... pero es una sensacion llena de tanta melancolia, que en una gran parte me hace tan bien verte. Recuerdo acomodar mi cabeza en tu muslo (alguna vez que probablemente no recuerdes) y sentir la potencia de poder pasarte mi calma, mi tan ausente calma, para que pudieras experimentar junto conmigo algo que yo mismo experimento con tan poca ocurrencia: queria compartir contigo ese sentimiento, aunque no supieras que lo estabamos compartiendo.

Este es un ejemplo de viviencia desde que te conoci... sabia que no me ibas a aceptar mas alla de amistad, y por tal te agradezco: veo en ti una amiga que no creo poder encontrar en otro lugar de mi extra~o mundo. Pero soy raro, aun asi con este conocimiento, hay una gran parte de mi que ve en ti algo mas. No se como explicarlo, es como una desesperacion de gritarte "eres la persona con la que me fascinaria morir al lado" pero tener que abstenerme ya que yo se que gritarte eso seria una distraccion de varias otras cosas que estan pasando por tu vida... es como una ecuacion matematica (jeje, sigo siendo ingeniero), si de por si manejar dos variables para resolverla es complicado, meter una variable mas seria mas aun dificil.

Es extra~o, me decia a mi mismo que esperara el momento adecuado: obviamente no iba a ser mientras andabas con G, cuando terminaron me senti tan triste por el acontecimiento que se me hizo horrendo comunicartelo, y ahora... pues, cada dia me estoy dando cuenta que si hubiera en nuestro futuro un "nosotros".................... jeje, mas bien me estoy dando cuenta de que no va a haber un futuro "nuestro".

Me alegra verte alegre, es raro: me he estado sintiendo tan solo por tanto tiempo que ya necesito 'conseguir' alegria por otros agentes. Se me hace tan dificil crear una sonrisa de la nada, y probablemente es algo que no quiero ahorita, quise regresar a ser triste y creo que mi deseo se me cumplio. Ahora es cuestion de recordar por que razon quise regresar a esto. Aun asi, hay una gran parte que me hace bien verte, y es solamente eso: verte, me llenas toda la semana con solo platicar contigo; por eso no te extra~o tanto, me satisfaces de alegria lo que requiero, por eso te di ese regalo de mi calma tan preciada... de la misma forma que no has sabido de lo tanto que me has hecho querer seguir viviendo (me ha pasado muy a menudo estar solo en mi cuarto, estresarme al recordar todo lo que tengo que hacer el siguiente dia, y calmarme, hasta el punto de poder dormir, al saber que hay una probabilidad, no importando lo peque~a que sea esta, de poder verte el siguiente dia...) de la misma forma te he querido recompensar sin tu saberlo: la calma fue una de ellas, las otras se supone que no las debes saber.

Ahora, seguire deambulando cumpliendo mis metas, y recompensandote por ser uno de los pocos pilares que hay en mi vida... un pilar que no sabe cuanto realmente esta cargando, pero aun asi lo hace con tanto facilidad que nunca se le sera pesado.

Testing dashBlog


This post was made by me testing the new dashBlog widget. Let's see if it works.

Makko Solutions

I'm working now. Probably the reason why I haven't posted in the last, what? year? Wow, lazy ass me, huh?

I was working in the mexican government as a systems engineer... who am I kidding?! I was working as a database administrator which, I know is a very honorable position, and I am very good at it, it just sucked the life out of me. I don't know: MS SQL Server is just a very bad database engine in my opinion.

Ironically, now I'm working on my own business, with three other partners. Our company is Makko Solutions, and I have to admit, even though the pay is much, much less than what I was making in the government and more hours (way more), it's more entertaining, more challenging, hell! I even have more fun. We build networks for companies, design websites, develop custom-sized software, and are planning to open an Automation and Electronics Department in the very near future.

It's quite exciting, which's good. My life right now is revolving around it, and I probably wouldn't be alive without it. Mmmm... this post is getting too personal to be just a cheap plug for my company... better leave this to the next post. =)