Even with the fear of jinxing it...

Less than a week and half for me to leave for England... I think I've reached the stage in which I don't feel a thing towards them. I hope I'm right, I saw them both one more time (we went to eat italian, nice restaurant by the way: Italiani's, couldn't finish my meal, jeje, yeah, you win Hugo), and frankly, yeah, it was kinda weird; but, not bad weird, just weird. Hugo still was the silent one, although he spoke a bit more than usual, probably because of the whole deal with their "relationship" now.

I quoted that because, well, it's kind of a mess right now: Julia's ex (whom she met in Queretaro) is still around in Juarez, with a job and all. Not only that, he, up until a week ago, was staying with Hugo; he now has moved with a friend that moved to Juarez from Queretaro. So you can imagine why I'm not in there: not that I want to, if I know myself well, I probably would've jumped in there to stir things up even more. But I didn't; I don't know why, maybe because Hugo didn't let me (although we talked a lot about it), or Julia, or I was just too hurt to include myself in all that shit. The thing is that, well, I'm not in it: I'm being taken more of an external observer. Which in itself is hurtful: I'm not in it, I'm not taken into consideration, I'M NOT CARED FOR. But, it IS for the best: right now I feel ok, the England stuff that I have had to deal with (I'll write about it in later posts) has been a mind and heart saviour. I feel that I'm already there, and I'm the stage of being excited and at the same time frightened by the idea of moving to a new continent. It's kind of a fresh start, a new chance to screw things up, a new opportunity to be remembered but not that much.

It's so weird that I'm typing this with the fear of me deceiving myself, of not actually feeling ok but saying that I am to trick myself into it (y'know, the Julia way). I hate that, I've done it so much up until now that I can't tell the difference between the bull and the grass. Nevertheless, I do feel ok; no more stomach aches (pre-ulcer symptoms; I'm 24, I don't take abandonement easily), I actually can talk with Hugo about this whole situation with a cool and clear head, and I can sit in a room with them holding hands, in each other's arms, and being this close to making out in the room, without killing myself (y'know, just the usual nervous twitch). Yeah, it hurts, being forgotten does that to you, and having somebody that you STILL have feelings for look at you as not being there like before is hurtful (yeah, I still don't know what that's about, sorry; no worries, though, I'm leaving soon, good excuse for not caring, or a good reason for me to convince myself of it). But i'm beginning to see some sort of light at the end, I can sincerely say right now that I'm not over her but that I will someday; I KNOW it, I FEEL it... everyday I feel my heart growing a little bit tougher. I know that this will kill most chances for me to begin a new relationship in the near future, but it's probably for the best; I'm not planning staying in the UK for a very long time, most of which I'll dedicate to studying, so I probably won't have a lot of time for that. But, hey, if somebody is thrown my way, I hope (you hearing me up there?) that I won't be too blind to see her (or him, who knows?).

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