memories

a picture of her aunt, i think, is still inside there... the compilations of all the things i wrote to, for, and of her...

god, that hurts so much... not the fact that she's moving on, just that... she gave them back... i know i did wrong, but those writings were pure honesty, are what probably is the thing that i'm most proud of that relationship; i thought she would've wanted to keep at least that, apparently not...

she did have the opportunity to give them back in person last winter... what changed? why not in person? maybe she thought that i would've busrt out horrificly, and she has a lot of evidence to support that supposition...

it hurts, it hurst so damn much... just turning the knife... yeah, i finally used that damn analogy that she always used when i or someone else hurted her (mostly me)...

I'm a goddamn wreck, the only thing that i do right (most of the time) is coding and math... goddamn it, my grandfather wanted greatgrandchildren.... i let him down now, i let everybody down, and now crying here there's so much thought of my actual worth here: so much destruction i've done, so many unmendable mistakes, i think's better to cut my losses and just leave before i do any more hurt

my head hurts, my head hurts... my eyes sting, can't think straight, couldn't for over a month now... i'm gona die soon, i wish i'd die soon... i'm sleepy, i'm sleepy...

just want to sleep and not be here, not be me... i just don't wana be me right now, not ever.